Monday, February 28, 2005

Some thing new

Today I asked my daughter Najma (as she is our computer expert), to teach me how to put the links of other blogs in the side bar of my blog. She did, and I get busy for awhile in copying the links from her list. That take me a very long time, So I don't have enough time to write a new post. But I remember a letter I received from a friend contain a nice joke. I liked it and hope you will.

A new head of a company is elected, and he want to prove him self to the employees, he put out a new rules. He write an announcement includes these rules.

"Please be inform that there are NEW rules and regulations implemented to raise the efficiency of our firm.

TRANSPORTATION:
It is advised that you come to work driving a car according to your salary.

* If we see you driving a Honda, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.

* If you drive a 10 year old car or taking public transportation, we assume you must have lots of savings therefore you do not need a raise.

* If you drive a Pickup, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

ANNUAL LEAVE:
* Each employee will receive 52 Annual Leave days a year (Wow!). They are called Sunday.

LUNCH BREAK:
* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy.
* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
* Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.

SICK DAYS:
* We will no longer accept a doctor Medical Certificate as proof of sickness.
* If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

TOILET USE:
* Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilets.
* There is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the cubicles. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the door will open and a picture will be taken.

* After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.

* Subsequent pictures will be sold at public auctions to raise money to pay your salary.

SURGERY:
* As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs.
* You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

INTERNET USAGE:
* All personal internet usage will be recorded and charges will be deducted from your bonus (if any) .And if we decide not to give you any, charges will be deducted from your salary.

* Just for the record. 73% of the staff will not be entitled to any salary for the next 3 months as their internet charges have exceeded their 3 months salary.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere"

I hope we will not have such rules in our new Iraq.

T.T.

3 comments:

Mad Canuck said...

Hi Truth Teller,

That was funny. Here is another corporate joke you might like too....


PRESS RELEASE

ARMONK, N.Y. IBM will reduce its workforce by an unprecedented 120 percent by the end of 2005, believed to be the first time a major services firm has laid off more employees than it actually has. IBM's stock price soared more than 12 dollars on the news.

The reduction decision, announced Wednesday, came after a year-long internal review of cost-cutting procedures, said the IBM CEO.

The initial report concluded the company would save $6.2 billion by eliminating 20 percent of its 300,000 employees.

From there, said The CEO, "it didn't take a genius to figure out that if we cut 40 percent of our workforce, we'd save $12.4 billion, and if we cut 100 percent of our workforce, we'd save $31 billion. But then we thought, why stop there? Let's cut another 20 percent and save $37.2 billion. "We believe in increasing shareholder value, and we believe that by decreasing expenditures, we enhance our competitive cost position and our bottom line," he added.

IBM plans to achieve the 100 percent internal reduction through layoffs, attrition and early retirement packages. To achieve the 20 percent in external reductions, the company plans to involuntarily downsize 90,000 non-IBM employees who presently work for other companies.

"We pretty much picked them out of a hat," said the CEO. Among firms IBM has picked as "External Reduction Targets," or ERTs, are Quaker Oats, AMR Corporation, parent of American Airlines, Lockheed, JP Morgan, Boeing, and Charles Schwab & Co. IBM's plan presents a "win-win" for the company and ERTs, said The CEO, as any savings by ERTs would be passed on to IBM, while the ERTs themselves would benefit by the increase in stock price that usually accompanies personnel cutback announcements.

"We're also hoping that since, over the years, we've been really helpful to a lot of companies, they'll do this for us kind of as a favor," said The CEO.

Legally, pink slips sent out by IBM would have no standing at ERTs unless those companies agreed. While executives at ERTs declined to comment, employees at those companies said they were not inclined to cooperate.

"This is ridiculous. I don't work for IBM. They can't fire me," said Kaili Blackburn, a flight attendant with American Airlines. Reactions like that, replied the CEO, "are not very sporting."

Inspiration for IBM's plan came from previous cutback initiatives, said company officials. In January of 2003, for instance, the company announced it would trim 30,000 jobs over the next year. However, just two months later, IBM said it had already reached its quota. "We were quite surprised at the number of employees willing to leave IBM in such a hurry, and we decided to build on that," The CEO said.

Analysts credited The CEO’s short-term vision, noting that the announcement had the desired effect of immediately increasing IBM's share value. However, the long-term ramifications could be detrimental, said Bear Stearns analyst Beldon McInty. "It's a little early to tell, but by eliminating all its employees, IBM may jeopardize its market position and could, at least theoretically, cease to exist," said McInty.

The CEO, however, urged patience: "To my knowledge, this hasn't been done before, so let's just wait and see what happens."

Mad Canuck said...

PS: Sorry for the long comment....:)

Shawn.

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